Chris Cornell, Depression and the Church

Last night Chris Cornell took his own life. This has troubled me so much. Well, I am still trying to wrap my head around it. He was my Bowie and my Prince. His death was a huge shock to me. Much like the day we found out that Robin Williams also took his own life. We say things like, “why would someone like that kill themselves?”

Depression.

Depression is much like what Chris wrote, “mind riot.” A violent disturbance of peace within. You can’t predict it and rarely can you control it. It is also something that isn’t well educated to the masses. Though, it is better today, but still not great. I believe it is difficult to educate people about depression because how complex depression is. It isn’t like an illness you get where your symptoms are obvious. There are different degrees of depression and each person deals with depression differently. And for many cases the one who struggles with depression has also mastered hiding their depression. This is why we are so surprised when our loved ones or our personal heroes takes their own life. We either never saw it because it was well hidden or we were too oblivious to their struggles. And when I say that I mean we look at their struggles as if they are minor.

Today has been a rough day for me because of this. Though, it isn’t one of those days that I call, “one of my bad days.” It has just been more of a wake-up call. A day of reflection of not only my own life but of others who struggle with depression. The main question running through my mind is, “Will it ever get that bad for me?” I can say, “No. It will never get to that point.” But then I look back at Chris Cornell and even Robin Williams and ask the same questions we always ask, “What made them get to that point?” Was it something that happened that was the breaking point or was it years of a violent disturbance of peace within? Like Chris wrote, “I’m tired within. I’m luck’s last match struck in the pouring down wind.”

And this is where I take a look at the church. The church is the one place that should understand the depravity of man. But yet, depression is treated as if it were a sin that needs to be purged or hidden. We try to fix the person by polishing them up but in doing so we have either turned them into whitewashed tombs or set them up for an even greater failure. We’ve believed the lie that you must be happy and because of that we hide the depression. It becomes a heavy burden. Which is why Chris wrote, “I’m tired within.” What the church doesn't understand is that you can have joy and hope and still be full of sorrow. When you understand your total depravity you can then understand how one could despise themselves but yet have hope that “those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.” (Romans 8:30) The church is making us tired within. That’s why Jesus calls for those “who labor and are heavy laden and (he) will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

Pornography: Came Back Haunted

First, I want to say that this post is NOT about my own struggles with pornography, though I have been ‘clean’ for a few years now, but rather this is about the damages that will (not can) take place.
Some of you may have seen the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron. Now there is a scene in the movie where he smashes his computer monitor because his character his struggling with pornography. As he smashes his monitor he says, “Ok, Lord, no more addictions,” and then he is ‘cured’ of his porn addiction. I would like to stress to you that it isn’t that easy. You can smash your computer monitor, you can cancel your internet connection, you can leave your smartphone off while you’re home, you can remove all the things in your life that give you access to porn but none of it will change your heart. The problem I have with this movie is that it is just like any other romantic movie (The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, Titanic) in the sense that it gives a false idea of what love is. Sure, they mention Jesus and the cross but it is still packaged in the same box: works. You can go buy the exact copy of the notebook that Cameron’s character uses in the movie to ‘help’ your marriage of days with do’s and do not’s.
I’m losing myself…
The point I’m trying to make about this scene and the other works (which I’ve done most of them minus smashing my computer) is that this alone doesn’t change the heart.  These things may help prevent you from accessing porn but the desire of porn is still in your heart. “The ancient curse will not go out painlessly; the tough old miser within us will not lie down and die obedient to our command. He must be torn out of our heart like a plant from the soil; he must be extracted in agony and blood like a tooth from the jaw. He must be expelled from our soul by violence as Christ expelled the money changers from the temple.” – A. W. Tozer
And then when the desire is removed from your heart…
What do you do about the 10+ years (or however long) of images burned into your memory?
Nine Inch Nails recently released a new single titled, Came Back Haunted. And I believe this song perfectly describes what happens when Christ Jesus removes the desire from your heart but you are left with the same brain.

Saw some things on the other side
Made me promise to never tell
….
Now I’ve got something you have to see
They put something inside of me
….
I don’t believe it
I had to see it
I came back haunted
….
I said goodbye but I--
I had to try
I came back haunted
….
Everywhere now reminding me
I am not who I used to be
I’m afraid this has just begun
Consequences for what I’ve done
….
Came back haunted

The average porn addict will probably watch porn at least once a day if not more than that. And with the internet it is extremely easy to access it, even on the go while using a smartphone. And with some websites they update their page with new content daily. So let’s say that someone watches one porn scene a day for eight years and because of the websites that add content daily they watch a different one every time. In eight years that person would have watched close to three-thousand different scenes of pornography. That is three-thousand images burned inside your mind. The “consequences for what I’ve done” has left me “haunted.” Just as a man who murdered someone, or a young girl who had an abortion the memory and images of those events are never erased. They are imprinted in the mind.
So what do you do with this? What do you do with this feeling of being haunted by your past sins?
You do not let it define you. You must remember that your identity is in Christ.
“having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness.” – Romans 6:18
“blessed us in Christ…he chose us in him…sons through Jesus Christ…blessed us in the Beloved…In him we have redemption…to unite all things in him…In him we have obtained an inheritance…In him you also were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit…created in Christ Jesus…” – Ephesians
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17-19
We are in Christ! That’s what defines us. Not your past sins that may be “haunting” you. The same man that proclaimed the gospel and wrote so many times how we are in Christ knows what it feels like to be “haunted” by past sins, “And when the blood of Stephen your witness was being shed, I myself was standing by and approving and watching over the garments of those who killed him.” – Acts 22:20
Those images of watching Stephen being stoned to death was never removed from his mind but he didn’t let it define him for Christ reconciled him and he became a new creation. And I’m sure there wasn’t a day in Paul’s life that he couldn’t hear Stephen’s final words, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” – Acts 7:60 And Jesus didn’t hold that sin against him. But it doesn’t erase the images from the mind.
So this is a warning to those who have not yet watched pornography but is being tempted daily: Do not give in. Do not be like the person in the song, “They tried to tell me but I – I couldn’t stop myself and I- came back haunted.”
This is also a reminder to those, like myself, that we no longer need to be “haunted” by this sin. The images are still in our mind but thanks be to God they are nailed to the cross in Christ, “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

Also, if you are struggling with pornography I encourage you to checkout this booklet, Porn Again Christian.